Navigating the Elder Management landscape can be overwhelming and complicated – especially when siblings do not get along. While brothers and sisters can be an invaluable source of support, they can also be a major source of stress and anxiety if disagreements crop up about important issues like living arrangements or finances.
Sibling conflict can extend into legal disputes as well such as one sibling abusing the power of attorney in favor of themselves.
If you find yourself quarrelling with your sibling(s), we encourage you to take a step back—seek first to understand the factors causing the discord, then determine the actions you can take to reduce tensions. A wise person once said:
“Every family can be dysfunctional in their own way, in their own time.”
Common Causes of Disputes
Division of Responsibilities
One of the most divisive topics among siblings looking after their elderly parents can be how duties and tasks are allocated and shared.
Whether it’s a sudden healthcare crisis or a prolonged chronic illness, it’s not uncommon for one person to become the primary caregiver. However, taking that role can be exhausting and can cause financial and personal stress, which can lead to burnout. Many caregivers are not prepared for or comfortable with the role, and it’s easy to feel like siblings are not ‘doing their part.’ These feelings can quickly lead to frustration and resentment, ultimately fracturing your family relationships at a time when everyone needs to draw on their strength.
Are you feeling strained as the primary caregiver for your elderly parents? Learn five actions you can take to cope with caregiver burnout.
Personal Preferences vs Care Needs
Picture this scenario: Mom is suffering from mid-stage Alzheimer’s and substantial cognitive decline. Her son wants her to remain in her home and receive in-home care. Her eldest daughter wants Mom to move in with her so she can look after her, while her second daughter would feel more comfortable if Mom transitioned to a retirement home with assisted living supports.
How do the siblings decide what to do?
Although a collaborative agreement based on the senior’s long-stated preferences would be ideal, many families have not had conversations about what to do in the event that a parent requires substantial assistance and personal care. These types of family disagreements can easily escalate into legal disputes and finally make their way into Ontario’s estates courts with costly results.
Disconnects in Day-to-Day Needs
If a son or daughter only sees their parent once or twice a year, they may not be aware of the day-to-day needs, and the ups and downs of cognitive decline. There are many challenges that can arise – coordinating and getting to medical appointments, picking up prescriptions, taking care of shopping, and more. A parent may have significant cognitive decline and be unable to do their banking yet still be articulate on the telephone with regard to simple questions.
If you have questions about how you can effectively care for an elderly parent who doesn’t live close to you, we invite you to check out our blog on caring for parents over long distances.
Family Dynamics
The relationships you and your siblings have with each other and your parents informs how you work together to care for mom or dad as they age. Under stress, old rivalries and behaviours can easily emerge, causing rifts in even the strongest relationships. Do you find yourself automatically and unintentionally reverting to old behaviours? Maybe your siblings withdraw? These are common occurrences when families are faced with difficult, stress-inducing circumstances.
Many of the transitions our elderly parents face—health challenges, lifestyle changes, and more—are new to us, which means we will all approach and handle them in our own ways. During your discussions, be clear about your own wishes and feelings and set your own boundaries while being understanding and respectful of other family members.
So how does one go about dealing with an elderly parent in transition while handling potential family disputes?
The short answer is plan ahead. Avoid emergencies, if at all possible. If there are warning signs, don’t procrastinate. Always remember your shared goal: finding common ground and working together to ensure your parents receive the best quality of life and level of support they need as they age.
Where do you start?
- First and foremost, what do your parents want? Find out their preferences well in advance of any health or mobility problems. Do they want to stay home even if alone? Are they safe at home? Is one parent having health issues which might trigger a move within the next 6 months?
- Have a family meeting with your parents. Discuss their plans. Walk through a ‘what if’ crisis in advance. Who are the Powers of Attorney who have been appointed to act if your parents are not able to do so? Make sure you have up-to-date copies of Powers of Attorney for Personal Care and for Property. Do those individuals understand their responsibilities and time required to fulfil their duties?
- Gather important health care documents including names and contact numbers of all physicians, health care professionals including medical, dental, vision, hearing, mobility, foot care, etc. Make sure you have a health/dental history, copies of OHIP cards, etc.
- Compile a list of emergency contacts if your parent is still in their home.
- Ensure you have access to financial resources for in-home care, out-of-pocket medical expenses, etc. and discuss a projected monthly budget if your parents require additional services.
- Work step by step with your siblings to lay out a plan and then figure out who does what.
- Once you and your parents have figured out a plan, agree on regular communication methods so everyone is kept informed.
We understand that these conversations can be difficult to have, stirring up new concerns and uncomfortable emotions for you and your siblings. However looking ahead now, can give you and your family peace of mind and prepare you to embrace the changes that are coming as your parents age.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Our team of professionals at Silver Sherpa can bring an objective lens and valuable expertise to the table, helping you navigate the maze of options in front of you to develop comprehensive, confidential, and personalized plans. This will make everyone more comfortable moving forward and enable you, your siblings, and your parents to enjoy life to its fullest at every stage. Connect with our team of experienced advisors to help you and your family navigate your way to a resolution and positive situation for all.
About Silver Sherpa
Silver Sherpa offers a unique combination of healthcare expertise, estate planning knowledge, and project management skills to help the elderly and families. Get in touch with us to discuss your needs – it can be as brief as 15 minutes or as long as you need.