We want to be there for our elderly parents when they need us, but sometimes we just can’t be. Whether we live in another province, a day’s drive away, or we are unavoidably busy with work responsibilities, it isn’t always possible for us to be there all of the time.
I learned this firsthand when my parents, both now over 90 years old, went into health crises. My dad’s first health crisis was 15 years ago and he has been in a long term care community for the past decade. He lives about two hours away from me. My mom has not been able to live at home for the past 5 years, and now lives in an assisted living community nearby. In a typical week, I field about 2-3 phone calls for each parent from their various caregivers, medical practitioners, volunteers, and facility staff. This increases exponentially if one of them becomes ill or needs to go to the hospital. All told, it’s not unreasonable to say you can easily spend on average 13 hours per week managing the various caregivers for elderly parents over long distance.
I know how tough it is to coordinate care from afar, managing care for parents in two different cities while running a business! Through my experiences with my parents as well as my work with numerous families at Silver Sherpa, I have discovered some essential tips for managing elderly parents’ care over long distances. Honestly, these tips have saved my sanity many times over the years!
1. Keep a Notebook or e-File with All Relevant Information
Within reach, keep records of everything you may need in dealing with your parent’s care. You may receive a phone call at work, at home, on the go, or anywhere! I keep two separate colour-coded notebooks (one for each parent) on my desk with all the information I need at my fingertips. Unfortunately many medical and health care professionals will not send files or even communicate by email, so you are forced to keep paper files.
Here are some of the pieces of information you should have at your fingertips:
- Up to date medical record summaries including current key physicians and their contact numbers – include family doctor plus all relevant specialists
- Current medication records
- Name of the head nurse or Director of Care in their facility and their direct line
- Administration number and after hours number
- Room number and full mailing address plus concierge or front office number
- List of all their main caregivers and how to reach them
Keep adding to your notebook with the important details that you may need at a moment’s notice.
2. Build a Team around Your Elderly Parent that You Trust
Living even an hour away from your elderly parent, you will not always be able to help out when they need something. That’s why it’s critical to build a team of people around your parent that you can trust to be there when you can’t be.
You will need people you can rely on even for simple things, like if dad’s clock stops working and it needs new batteries or if mom is wheelchair bound and needs someone to run a few errands.
Spend time face-to-face with the people around your parent and get to know them. Communicate with the team frequently to make sure everyone is on the same page.
Your trusted team should include a doctor on call, charge nurses, caregivers that are there day-to-day, the managing or director of the facility, the handyman, the housekeeper, and the list goes on.
3. Communicate with Your Elderly Parent Regularly
You should be talking with your parent often, whether something is wrong or not. Since you can’t be there in person all the time, a regular phone call ensures you are kept informed especially if there are any problems or concerns.
It needs to be a two-way communication so they can also tell you what is happening. They should be comfortable calling you if something is wrong or if they need something. If they need help, staff should be able to help them call you.
Make sure they also have emergency numbers they can reach you at or the numbers of people who would be able to get a message to you if you’re not reachable. Tape your phone number to their phone if they have trouble remembering.
4. Set Personal Boundaries and Get Emotional Support from Family and Friends
Don’t try to “go it alone”. Rely on your close family and friends to support you emotionally – and to lend a helping hand.
Be realistic about what you can and cannot do. For example, travelling comes at a financial, physical, and emotional cost. How often can you afford to visit?
Many people find it helpful to talk about their challenges and struggles with family, friends, or a support group for caregivers. Managing elderly care long distance is hard work, but with a strong support network you can avoid burning out.
Read our blog, “Unpaid Caregivers Are Distressed and Exhausted with Elder Care”.
If you have siblings you can count on, you can divvy up some of the responsibilities of caring for mom or dad – lessening the load on your shoulders.
Caregiving Is Just the Tip of the Iceberg – It’s Really “Long Distance Care-Managing”
Caring for an elderly parent over a long distance requires your best management skills. You become the care coordinator, health advocate, decision-maker, and team manager. Your job is to manage the crowd around your parent so they’re properly cared for and have a good quality of life. And at home, you are probably still trying to manage your own busy life and family life.
It can be stressful, overwhelming, and isolating. But remember that you’re not alone – hundreds of thousands of other baby boomer families in Canada are going through the same thing. With these tips and a solid plan in place for your elderly parents, you can (and will!) get through it.
Your parents. Our priority. Silver Sherpa exists to help families navigate elderly healthcare crises and put a detailed plan in place to address all the interrelated elements of elder care. We invite you to set up a complimentary consultation with us today.
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